Scoresby Very Rare Blended Scotch Whiskey is imported from Scotland and bottled by United Distillers in Stamford, Connecticut.  Scoresby is a blend of selected light-bodied whiskies that are aged 36 months.  It is advertised as having a mellow taste that will “please the exacting taste of the connoisseur.”  You may ask, “how can they possibly sell this stuff for such an affordable price?”  The first oddity I noticed was the fact that they call Scoresby “very rare”, but there are about 15 bottles of the stuff on the shelf. Something isn’t right here.  I personally think that all “very rare” liquor should be sold exclusively in the glass case of your local liquor store and not on the bottom shelf.  I would fully expect to be forced to miss a car payment if I were to purchase said rare liquor.  Another indicator of the cheapness of this blend is the fact that the aging time is measured in months and not years.  This is a big red flag in the mind of a Scotch drinker.  Ideally, I want my Scotch, like my women, to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 18 to 25 years old (16-25 in some countries).  That’s what makes a truly happy Scotch drinker.

     Scoresby Scotch will certainly not slap you in the face nor overpower you when sipping it, but it definitely leaves a great deal to be desired in the taste department.  You can tell that this stuff hasn’t been aged very long because it doesn’t possess a deep, barrel taste.  I’m not sure what kind of barrel is used during the aging process, and I certainly can’t ascertain that from its taste.  Scoresby tastes very dirty for a Scotch, and I don’t mean rich and peaty.  It tastes like some sort of filthy animal took a dog-paddle in the barrel and spoiled the liquor before bottling.  It’s a very flat and almost sour taste. I definitely don’t have an expert’s trained palate, but I am hard-pressed to pick out any kind of botanical or infused flavor in this spirit.  The sourness diminishes in the aftertaste, but Scoresby leaves you with an unpleasant and unclean taste on your tongue.  The only thing that really keeps this spirit consumable is that it goes down pretty smoothly and easily, and after awhile your tongue becomes numb to the filthy aftertaste.

     Although Scoresby was a travesty of a Scotch when it came to sipping, it really packed an excellent punch.  It gave me an excellent, almost sloppy buzz.  I believe I was slurring my speech a bit after consuming four glasses, and it gave me a very calm and oblivious feeling.  That oblivious feeling is exactly what I look for a liquor to give me after a hard day at work.  However, I would be careful not to consume too much of this stuff on a work night because it left me with a decent headache and a general sense of grogginess the next day that stayed with me for a couple hours.  I could still taste that filthy animal water on my tongue; it nearly made me curse the liquor gods for bringing me this stuff.  Luckily, I remembered all the pleasant beverages the liquor gods had bestowed upon me in past experiences before forsaking them.  In short, it was definitely more of a hangover than I am used to receiving from a good Scotch.

     At $12 for 750mL, Scoresby Scotch will barely even put a dent in your wallet, but if I were in the market for a Scotch, I would go ahead and invest a little more green to the liquor fund to purchase a tastier beverage.  If you don’t care much about a pleasant taste from your Scotch, and you want something to just throw back every now and then to relax, Scoresby may be just the thing for you.  However, I recommend steering clear of this dirty little Scotch.

Sipability - 3.5

Mixability - N/A

Drunkability - 8.0

Hangover-ability - 5.0

Bang for the Buck - 9.0

Overall - 5.0

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     The name Ron Rico probably conjures thoughts of some sketchy guy with greased back hair, a cheap suit circa 1978, and a porn star moustache.  Most likely this suave fellow is selling used cars, life insurance, or possibly dating your extremely wealthy grandmother, because they connected on a “spiritual level.”  Unfortunately for us, RonRico is actually a rum produced in Puerto Rico and bottled in Kentucky.  I actually believe the bottled in KY part; I think it comes straight out of one of the old radiators in Bubba’s backyard distillery.  This is the only liquor that has honestly made me regret our idea to have bottoms up month.

     If you want to know what RonRico tastes like, go and scrape a little of the gook from the bottom of your trashcan, pour gasoline on it, put all that in your mouth, light it, and then swallow.  Now imagine that horrible flavor actually getting worse after you swallow.  That is RonRico in a nutshell.  Mixing does make it possible to consume this travesty of a rum.  However, it takes a considerable amount of Coke© to drown out the taste.  I really cannot suggest mixing this rum.  I can suggest that you try it as a toilet cleaner, but we actually do not know how effectively it cleans as that is not one of our standard tests.  At the bargain price of $10.50, we knew what we were getting into beforehand.  We were just holding out hope for a diamond in the rough.

     We all know that rums like this exist for one purpose: to get you drunk when your wallet is a little light.  The real tragedy here is that RonRico even fails to accomplish this basic purpose of alcohol.  The bottle claims 80 proof.  I had begrudgingly consumed nearly half of the bottle before I even felt a little buzz.  You would think with the limited effect this spirit had on me, the hangover would be a non-issue.  However, I woke up the next morning with a nice little headache.  Overall, RonRico is a complete failure.  I did find some classic RonRico advertisements from the early seventies.  It seems like they were trying to establish themselves as a decent alternative to Bacardi.  They seemed to be pushing the bright taste aspect of this spirit.  Since bright taste is directly associated with higher levels of acidity, and the fact that this rum burns nicely as it goes down, I think they hit it spot on.

   RonRico is worthless.  It tastes terrible, mixes poorly, did not get me drunk, and still gave me a hangover.  Although, if you have 11 bucks to spare and want to ruin your evening along with the next morning, RonRico is the rum for you!

Sipability - 1.5

Mixability - 4.5

Drunkability - 3.5

Hangover-ability - 5.0

Bang for the Buck - 6.0

Overall - 3.5     

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     Aristocrat Royal Vodka is produced in Bardstown, Kentucky by Heaven Hill Distilleries.  This distillery was founded shortly after prohibition and has grown to become the largest independent, family-owned producer and marketer of distilled spirits in the United States.  They produce many other spirits along with Aristocrat, including whiskeys, bourbons, Scotch whiskeys, vodkas, and even liquors.  That’s all fine and dandy, but let’s see how well they did with the Aristocrat brand …

     When taking a sip of Aristocrat Vodka, you can’t help but cringe a little at first from the rubbing alcohol-like essence, but the sting of the initial taste doesn’t linger too badly.  As you may expect, I was not at all impressed with the flavor of this vodka, and I would not look forward to sipping it on the rocks even after the longest day of work.  That being said, the fact that the poor initial taste did not linger and soon succumbed to a mildly enjoyable warmth kept Aristocrat Vodka from registering a total miss on the sipability scale.

     While sipping Aristocrat Vodka left plenty to be desired, the taste when mixed with Sprite© almost made up for it.  It definitely wasn’t anything special, but it was actually kind of refreshing.  The drink tasted like Sprite© with a mild rubbing-alcohol aftertaste.  I wouldn’t say Aristocrat Vodka was a perfect compliment to the beverage or anything close, but it left me with a comforting feeling after each sip.  That could just be my inner vodka-loving personality shining through, but I found the cheapish vodka aftertaste mixed with the Sprite© to be a warm and fuzzy foreshadowing of the drunk that was to come.

     Aristocrat Vodka certainly got the job done in getting me drunk.  The buzz that came was kind of a sloppy buzz for a vodka; it wasn’t quite as much as a tequila, but it lacked a certain refinement I often attribute to vodka buzzes.  It really did a wonderfully intoxicating job for a vodka (I’m usually pretty resistant to the effects of vodka spirits).  I was surprised that I was still able to compete at a decent level in our heated Nintendo Wii Sports Bowling battles.  I tend to loosen up and bowl better in real life after a few drinks, so perhaps alcohol had a similar effect on me with this bowling game.  Please note that the BoozeBasher crew does not endorse drinking and Wii-ing in tandem, as it may pose a threat to the health of your TV, your Wii-mote, and most of your friends present.  Luckily, the only thing I hurt while Wii-ing was a plethora of bowling pins.

     Even though the buzz Aristocrat Vodka gave me aided my bowling prowess, it made my head thump a little the next morning.  Honestly though, at $9 for a 750mL bottle, I wouldn’t expect anything but a hefty hangover.  I’m sure most members of any Aristocracy would turn their blue-blooded noses up at the idea of consuming any spirit this cheap.  However, Aristocrat Vodka is a pretty good bargain for any budget-conscious individual who wants to get sloppy for a ridiculously cheap price.  Just make sure you don’t have anything planned too early the next day.

Sipability - 3.0

Mixability - 4.5

Drunkability - 7.0

Hangover-ability - 6.0

Bang for the Buck - 9.5

Overall - 5.0     

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