Let me open by asking “why?” Why, Dionysus (Greek god of wine, intoxication, and everything good)? Why would you let this this liquor be released upon the earth below? Are you upset with us, your loyal alcoholic followers? Was it your contempt for all the non-believers of booze? I offer my apologizes to you in hopes that you will end this liquor plague know as Montezuma tequila. I think this tequila is the real Montezuma’s revenge.
I couldn’t find much on the history or how Montezuma is actually made. I guess they want to keep it secret…a sad, sad, secret that no one should know. But seeing how it is my job to inform you of these things, I’m going to take a stab in the dark at it. Montezuma Aztec Gold tequila is made through a complex process in the darkest parts of Mexico. First, they find the nastiest Mexican bar they can find, which probably isn’t too difficult Mexico. Then they proceed to find the finest ingredients and mix them with the finest agave plants to make quite tasty tequila. They must then proceed to give this fine tequila to all the patrons of said watering hole until they are completely wasted, can barely stand, and aren’t able to keep moist air down, not to mention another shot. Once the mad dash to the bathroom concludes, the patrons start to puke up all the fine ingredients and tequila flavor from the nights events, this is known as Montezuma’s distilling process. All the fluids left over from the “distilling process” are flushed into a huge metal container made of the finest craftsmanship where all the chunky parts are filtered out. When the process is over, the fluid appears to be a golden color. Once the liquid is drained out of its metal housing, it is bottled and sent to America. Well, at least that’s how I think it’s made, but that’s just my own conjecture.
Montezuma has a very distinct smell, much like the smell of vomit. I have admit that when I tasted it, I wasn’t surprised to find it tasted almost exactly as it smelled. I actually immediately threw the shot of it back up. This is the first time I have ever seen my body reject liquor sober. There is a positive side to it coming back up, and that was it covered the horrible burn from tequila with the horrible burn of throw-up. The best way I can describe the taste of Montezuma is to liken it to waking after a long night of drinking and going about your day but getting those burps that are half burp, half puke. That is what this tequila tastes like. As of now, that kinda of throw-up burp is now called Montezuma.
Mixed, I have to say unless you are going to make Margaritas out of some really quality mix (if you are buying quality mixers, you should go ahead and get better tequila), you are going to taste the wrath of Montezuma’s revenge. Besides that, hiding Montezuma behind a mixer is like hiding a horse in a hay stack. If what to know what your favorite mixer tastes like if you were to mix it with the flavor of what you created on your knees in the morning in front of your toilet, try it mixed with Montezuma.
I can’t tell you how drunk this 80-proof tequila made me because it was nearly impossible for me to keep it down. And if I can’t keep it down, how can it give me a hangover? I’m going to go ahead though and give a low, fitting hangover rating that would compare to most cheap tequila then subtract a little more since you will have to force this tequila down your throat. Any liquor you have to force down, won’t have much trouble coming up. It will probably leave you feeling like the drunk, easy girl after a frat party (there’s really no clarification needed for that statement). Let’s just say, “bad times will follow.”
You can probably find Montezuma for around $17 at your local booze-gathering place, but I would recommend just saving your money. There are better tequilas for a few more bucks. There’s no reason to buy this tequila. It smells bad, tastes bad, looks bad, hell, even the label on bottle is pretty ugly. Next time you go to a bar to get a tequila drink and see the bartender pour Montezuma in your cup, just reach over the bar and slap him or her (women can be awesome bartenders), then leave. If they have Montezuma behind the bar, you probably don’t need to be in that place anyway. If you want a cheap tequila stick to Jose Cuervo or anything else. Montezuma is gold that the Aztecs can keep.
Shootability - 2.0
Mixability - 3.0
Drunkability - 2.0
Hangover-ability - 2.5
Bang for the Buck - 3.5
Overall - 2.5 
Comments
back when I was 21 and an alcoholic with training wheels, I brought home a bottle of this stuff. My roommate who was from Mexico just laughed at me when he saw this crap in the freezer
I always imagined it to be made of chihuahua piss and distillery byproducts, but your theory seems similarly valid.
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